Dearest Writers, Please Bugger Off
by Reena Catheryn
Summary: From the nerds who brought you parodies and parodies of Twilight comes... "Dear Writers, Please Bugger Off" a short little drabble about all the things wrong in the Twilight and Harry Potter fanfiction worlds... ACTION.


**Dearest Readers…. I'm baaaaaack! So I've been going through an insanely traumatizing summer/year and it isn't over but I thought I owed you guys a little something. So to keep you guys updated, I have a few stories I am in the process of writing (as well as working on Fortune Favors the Brave) but none of them are quite ready to share yet. So here we are with a comedic and completely inappropriate little tidbit that pretty much insults every horrible fanfiction I've ever read. Inspired by "Dear Blank, Please Blank" here is all things in Harry Potter and Twilight fanfiction that bother me. Review if these things bother you as well, or suggest things that I didn't include. It's a one-shot, but if I get more I will just keep adding to it.**

Dear Writers of Fanfiction,

I'm flattered, truly I am that you think I could be related to Cedric Diggory, but we have no relation. Nor do I have any relation to the idiot who tried to play me in the horrible movie. I am Edward Cullen and I am a fictional character.

Love,

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

Dear Writers,

If you are going to withhold chapters for reviews, please reconsider the reasons for which you are writing.

Love,

It should be something YOU enjoy

Dear BAD writers,

You know the site even provides a forum to find Beta readers?

Love,

You should try it

Dear reviewers,

"Omg I luv it! Moar now! Lolz…jk"

Sincerely,

Really? Are you kidding me?

Dear Bad Writers,

When you say "So and so is NOT a Mary Sue because he/she has flaws  
>I feel the need to do this:<p>

Mary Sue- a literary criticism which defines a character (particularly in fanfiction) who is so perfect and likeable that it weakens the story and becomes unrealistic. Essentially a character which fulfills all of the writers impossible fantasies. The terms origins come from a piece of Star Trek fanfiction where a cadet (named Mary Sue) outsmarted Spock and slept with Kirk. Yeah right.

So in conclusion, no, over-the-top clumsiness is not a real flaw. Nor is an annoying lack of self confidence. Everyone trips and every teenager doubts themselves. Isabella Marie Swan is a ary Sue and if you write your character to be just like her… he/she is ALSO a Mary Sue.

Love,

This is confirmed by multiple sources.

Dear Author,

This story is great, really it is. But she's a Mudblood. I'm pure. I'm insulted you even considered it.

Love,  
>Draco Malfoy<p>

Dear Crossover Writers,

Yeah Edward Cullen is a 100 year old stalker and pansy of a vampire. I'd sooner date Albus Dumbledore (don't get any ideas).

Sincerely,

I thought I made it clear when I MARRIED Ginny and had three children with her…

Dear Twilight Fanfiction Writers,

I know I said it, but in case you missed it… powers are rare and you only get one. So these "all powerful vampires" don't thin so. And also, I know you all love the Cullens so much, but I thought I made it clear that their size really put the Volturi on edge. Well, if you want to kill them off…go ahead and keep adding random new vampires to their group.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

Dear JaLeah fans,

I imprinted on Ness (not that it's not creepy). And I hate Leah. Try again!

Love,

Jacob

Dear Twihards,

You do realize that Twilight is a novel and you could never be inside the story, right? Nor could Edward Cullen show up in your bed. That's insanely creepy.

Sincerely,

Scarred for life

Dear world,

I am Lord Voldemort. "Only I can life forever". I do not love and I do not care for anyone, especially Quirrel! Hence, I would never have a child or an heir. I'm selfish.

Sincerely,

Moldy Shorts

P.S. You're first on my Hit List when I find a way to piece all my flakes together and take over the world again.

Dear Authors,

That's just disturbing. Remember, we gestated together? In the same bag of placenta?

Sincerely,

Gred and Forge, who are NOT in a relationship with each other.

And now for some personal comments from Yours Truly…

I might actually enjoy this story; if I could understand what you are trying to stay. Ever heard of spell check?

Vampires suck blood. That is the definition of vampire, there is no way around it.

Nobody is perfect, especially Isabella Swan.

You can't fall out of love with a mate or imprint. It just isn't done.

I don't like Twilight very much, but I read it so I can tell you… NO ONE IS GAY.

Snape cannot stand Harry James Potter. That's the end of that.


End file.
